When

Feel as if, I'm going it alone and maybe always have. Most recently someone who is treating me, gave me their personal email, personal phone and told me to impose anytime. Told me they would write a letter to help me out. Finally I ask them to do so & they are to busy, told me that he would write it during our appointment. I cancel my appointment since I don't need to sit there while he writes, so he writes he will do it when he finds the time.
Been listening to Play for change realizing that some change has come, to only realize its not with the help of your friends, because they were never your friends. One person wrote me wishing me a happy birthday and told me I was missed but my birthday was 2 months prior to the wish. No one has written me an email this season (6 months). I say written because they cant call, phone change. One other email I place into the category of spam cuz it was part of mass emailing and not directed at me.
Considering that it may be time to start making plans.

Another day in Paradise

Have found that a person who is homeless is looked at as less than. Less than human, less than his fellow man kind less than the family pet. If you are homeless. you must be a druggie, or an Alcoholic or a mentally unstable person and in many cases the homeless are like that but then there are those who just hit a bad patch of road. The so called shelters or human services departments are staffed with people hating what they do. Each person you meet is more surly than the last from the security guard to the receptionist to the case workers. Each see you as invading their fiefdom. They yell at you for the most minor infraction, no matter what it was.

Then it comes down that each entity expects the same from you. To fill out forms, get a case worker with their organization before they accept you into whatever programs they offer AND you must participate in more than what you need. IE if you just need a place to sleep, you will have to enroll in some other instruction.

On August 23rd

On August 23rd I woke up and sat in my car for a while watching clean up. One person was collecting aluminum out of trash. The second person was picking up trash from the ground with a stick. As I watched I wondered if I could do what they were doing to survive. Seemed to be a way to exist and not live. What is the motivation to earn pennies just to exist in a single room where your neighbors act like fools. Would my choice be to die rather than to labor for existence. As I watched them, I saw the lake behind them and wondered how sound my thought of swimming into the lake til I drown was. Earlier in the summer when it was hot, I did walk in the water thinking it was to cold then. What is plan B? What other way should I go? Maybe just fall asleep on a freezing night to never awake. Ive kinna grown accustomed to my situation of where I sleep and where I spend my days. At times boring but dealing with it. Today is worse that others have been because I don't have any plans. Usually I have plans of what needs to be done or what I plan on doing. Most days my plans are enough but today they are not. Considering what to do with my things. When and how do I start giving things away or do I just let some strangers carry them away.

Forgot to post on the 12 of August

The way my luck has been going, I should have expected this. Almost got hit by a police car. Around 6:30pm, I'm standing on corner up on the curb, waiting for the light to change so I can cross the street, when all traffic stops because they hear sirens. 2 police cars come up behind a car that was turning left. Instead of just staying put (he did stop), he decides to finish his turn at the same time, the police cars were on him. One car swerves to avoid hitting him and starts to head straight at me. Fortunately he was able to stop because if he didn't he would have hit me. I was like a dear in headlights, I did try to avoid but slowly and I stepped behind a light pole. Ya as if that was gonna help. He would have hit the pole and then the pole would have crushed me or cracked my head open.

Friday the 20th

Ya I know not to creative of a title to name it after today's date but cant think of anything more interesting to call it. Today so far the day has gone better than most. Got DHS paperwork filled out by Dr. Scott. Will drop it off Monday. JoAndre emailed me and I might get to visit with him Wednesday. Saw Marie last Wednesday and told her I was homeless but no offer of help. She did buy me dinner. Asked her not to tell anyone about me being homeless, don't need their pity is what I said. Found out that Gina complained that I didn't help enough with Tony during our trips. Heck whenever I tried, she would shove me away AND she took me on three trips. Marie said, what did I expect? As if someone would pay for a trip and not expect something for it. Honestly I that's what I thought. Company but not a nursemaid. Guess I was wrong. Then Marie also agreed with Niki in that she would have done the same thing, not call to let me know she made other plans. Seems that, whenever I explain a situation, women always see the other side of the story and take the opposite position of what I do. Is the women mind and my mind so out of sync.

Ironic

OK so its now Saturday and I thinking that this thing with Chicago Career Tech just isnt sitting right with me. SO I decide to write the Chicago Reader to see if this human interest story would interest them. Give some bad press to Chicago Career Tech, you following me?. Also wrote Pam Zekman who is an investigative reporter on one of the TV stations. Anyway, went to CCT web site to copy their URL and see that they extended the application deadline to the end of the month. Not enough applicants. WTF

Friday the 13th brought out the fools.

Last night, I parked my car in about the same spot I do every night. Was settling in when I noticed a group drinking in the lot. Was still early .. around 7:30 so walked over to the lake to have dinner (a fruit salad and bread made from quinoa). Police drove by, so I told them about the drinking. Well they did find the group, spent some time there then moved on. Don't know what was said but, they continued to drink the night away till after 11. This night seemed to have more street people in the park, fewer families for sure. A nice breeze picked up later in the eve.
Sleep wasn't sound but OK once I feel asleep. Still not a comfortable car to sleep in.
This morning I got a whiff of something foul and realized it was me so decided to shower at the one of park districts fitness centers. Walking into the building I got stopped by a neo Nazi park district employee. Yelling at me for not having my shirt on (was draped over shoulders) and telling me I couldn't shower (she saw towel and I was near entry to locker room.) Anyway got to shower but why the over reaction?? Could have approached me civilly, after all Im not a 20 something punk but a senior .............. some respect please!
After shower and clean clothes, I headed to alderman's office to discuss a program called Career Tech Chicago. Its federal funds for computer training ........... 6 months long with stipend of $300/week. I tried getting into it last May but didn't qualify because I was unemployed prior to 2008 and because I didn't collect Unemployment Insurance. YA I KNOW ?????????? WTF
Thought alderman had pull and would get me in since his assistant called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me about it ( I already knew and told her why I didn't get in) ......... after contacting numerous people the answer came back as NO couldn't go outside the box. Anyway, the first thing said to me as I walked into office was that they weren't social services (this is the alderman's assistant). WTF, she is there to serve his constituents no matter what the reason. Comment didn't sit well with me. Getting pissier and pissier as the day progresses.
Alderman's assistant finds out that today is the last day for applications to be accepted for next round of classes. So went over to coffee shop to use WIFI and applied on line. While at coffee shop, I returned a bottle of water I purchased previously to this visit. It was foul tasting and had things floating in it. Think it may have been carbon filter residue, kinna smelled like a water filter does. SO the counter person implies that whatever was in the bottle, got in there after I opened it. WTF AGAIN I was asking for a replacement, not the store. Instead of being concerned that the product line might be contaminated, he implies I did it. DUH ever hear of RECALLS? Oh he pours it out instead of showing it to the supplier. BTW I emailed the supplier later.
SO after hours of calling, calling back and being passed around, the alderman's assistant got a firm answer NO. Do you get the irony? Cant be in the program cuz Ive been unemployed to long and cuz I am not collecting unemployment insurance nor did I collect unemployment insurance (Needed proof of either to qualify).
Alderman has this Friday night thing where he goes out to a local establishment (5 to 7) to meet his constituents so the place gets focused on as one of the wards nice places to go. Tonight they are passing snacks and 1 free drink (its a bar so I guess alcohol will be served). Not sure if I should go. Will see.
Don't know why but haven't been hungry the last week. I do eat because I know its needed to keep ya going but I nibble & that's it. Today, just had one bite of bread and water & its 4:30. May lose some pounds, maybe already have. Noticed shoes are easier to tie LOL Who knew I had fat feet?
SO 3 fools in a succession and all within 2 hours made me angry all day. What ever happened with service with a smile?

The story continues

On Tuesday took shower which doesn't help much cuz its HOT and as soon as I step outside, I sweat, then went to congressional aide's office and gave her information concerning my disability claim. Will see what happens.

Wednesday went to DHS office to apply for medicaid and food stamps. Need to submit documents (Doctors report and bank statement.) to them within 10 days. Was given name at Truman college for a job, will need to follow up cuz it was from the supervisor at DHS.
After DHS went to SS office cuz I was told by the DHS case manager he couldn't find any record of my application. SS found it & said it was pending.

Thursday splurged and bought a Starbucks coffee plus 2 refills. Found some contacts on Craigslist and will follow up by phone. Showered at friends house so feel semi human.

Sleep last night was neither good or bad. Had interesting dream last night where friends left me behind in pursuit of greater things. They were working on huge murals that integrated old masters with new contemporary themes. In some cases stencil like. They were a blend of old and new, you could think of them like music sampling or blending of two separate distinct themes. A complex concept with a simple concept. Made me think of John Cage because of how he took plain sounds (which we consider noise) and merged them into compositions. He deconstructed music into sounds. The way painters simplified their work to over simplification IE "white on white". One can think of sounds as neutral neither good or bad, similar to other aspects of life. (no need to elaborate).
Perhaps reason for first part of dream is that it reiterated what I had said that day, that no one has stood by me through my life soooo it was reflected in my dream. Funny that in the dream, people were making cases for themselves as to why they were justified in their actions & that in reality they didn't leave or that I should have understood why they left. Couldn't convince me.

Still at a point where I want to be in my own space which was home but now its my car. Now whenever I'm away from my car I just want to be in it as if it is my home. The only thing is that I feel as if I'm in a fish bowl. Have been doing a lot of sitting ... either in my car or at Starbucks and when I walk around the park where I park my car, I sit on benches & its then (also other times) that I want to be in my car sitting. Even though I'm killing time sitting in my car its different than killing time when I walk or sit away from the car. Guess its that its not MY space. Wonder if the placement of the car will become or maybe already is a factor. Will the location of the car determine if it feels like my space? When at Starbucks I don't long for being in my own space, reason may be that the puter becomes MY space replacing my car or previously my apartment.

Second day

Last night I slept well which was unusual because any position I got into wasn't comfortable. I was probably exhausted from not sleeping well the previous night. Dinner consisted of Cole slaw, couple of bananas, and peaches. Didn't feel like eating anything else.

First day

Took me a while but found a place to shower. For $8.50/month I'm able to use fitness center at Park district near me. Trying to keep the circle or radius small so I don't have to drive a lot Between where I sleep, where I shower, where shop for groceries and where I spend my day.

Will need to check out library tomorrow for free WIFI even though Ive been using Starbucks to log in.

Next two days I have meetings concerning my welfare. Hope they go well.

First night

My first day was kinna similar to when I was traveling and stayed in Hostels. They would require that you stay away from the Hostels certain hours so they could clean. So sometimes you found yourself waiting to get in. Well yesterday, I waited for the parking lot to open up at 7 so I could park, then I waited for the picnicking family's to leave so it would quite down. It was a Sunday so a lot of people. Wonder if tonight will be same.

Sleeping in car was a challenge. NOT comfortable at all. Tonight I will try to switch to the passenger seat and see if I can prop my feet up, remove headrest so there is less of a level change, thus a flatter sleeping surface.

Well! insult to injury. When I left the Starbucks in Andersonville, I found I had a ticket for parking in a no parking spot however the sign was obstructed by trees sooooooooo took a couple of pics for court.

Birth or death?

Well, today was the last day I spent the night in my own apartment. Could no longer pay rent so moved as much as I could into storage unit. Did it all alone car load by car load. Have to edit my stuff so next move wont be such a pain. Think I will throw out everything that isn't black (fav color). Had given some thought to forfeiting everything in storage unit. That actually might be a necessity when the monthly payments onto my AMX card are maxed out. Who knows that might be freeing.

Idea Ive had was to sell car, then buy a motorbike and head to Florida for the winter but will then need to find medical care in that location. Might be able to survive there, till I turn 62 when I would get SS or who knows I might get SSD and everything would be solved.

Tonight will be my first night, sleeping in my car. Will need to find a safe place to park. Think it might be in Loyola Park Parking lot. Need to determine where to shower and just clean up AND shit & pee.
Might be able to sleep on boat but its further south than I like to drive cuz gas costs money. The other thing is that it may not be my boat anymore. Most of my current comfort zone is in northern part of Chicago.

Later today will need to edit car so I can comfortable live in it. Right now car is still loaded with last of moved items and storage is full so EDIT is the word.

Sitting in Starbucks writing this. Its the one in Andersonville where they have cushy seating, fireplace and plenty of traffic. Might be an area I would like to rent when I'm back on my feet.

Wouldn't it be funny if I end up being a blogger for the homeless? WOW what a work "homeless". Never thought I would be. Why did this happen? How did this happen? Wouldn't friends help? Ya as if. Anyway along the way those who might have been considered friends bailed. SO were they even friends?

At times Ive thought that I have a please fuck me written on my forehead cuz it seems that I'm an easy target. When at first people get to know me they always describe me as "a nice guy", guess that's how I can be described but am I to nice of a guy. A guy that is easily dismissed, thus easy to fuck over or just someone who's feelings aren't taken into consideration. Need to tell therapist this and see what he thinks. Happens time after time.

Wonder

Just watched two Ex-Presidents interviewed (one Democrat and one Republican) and both were addressed as Mr. President. What is the proper way to address ex-presidents and what is the proper way to address the current president? Is "President Obama" the only way to address him or can one address him as "MR. Obama"? Is addressing an ex-president as President ever correct?