Catch up

Thought I was going to catch up with everything I haven't written since last post but even though its close to a year, I dont know where to start. Whats important? What am I feeling about rereading what I've posted earlier. Need to factor the blog into daily routine. Tomorrow?

Long time coming

Somewhere along the way, I stopped writing, wish I hadn't because so much has happened. Some physically but so much more emotionally and mentally. I found out that much of what I believed in was a lie. In fact my whole life was a lie, not a lie I manufactured by me lying to myself but a lie made by people keeping secrets. For today, I am just going to declare my desire to start blogging or writing my diary because I think thats what it will become.
I need to sort out, how Im going to proceed with the blog. Should I fill in the past or start from this point on? Its all connected.....

When

Feel as if, I'm going it alone and maybe always have. Most recently someone who is treating me, gave me their personal email, personal phone and told me to impose anytime. Told me they would write a letter to help me out. Finally I ask them to do so & they are to busy, told me that he would write it during our appointment. I cancel my appointment since I don't need to sit there while he writes, so he writes he will do it when he finds the time.
Been listening to Play for change realizing that some change has come, to only realize its not with the help of your friends, because they were never your friends. One person wrote me wishing me a happy birthday and told me I was missed but my birthday was 2 months prior to the wish. No one has written me an email this season (6 months). I say written because they cant call, phone change. One other email I place into the category of spam cuz it was part of mass emailing and not directed at me.
Considering that it may be time to start making plans.

Another day in Paradise

Have found that a person who is homeless is looked at as less than. Less than human, less than his fellow man kind less than the family pet. If you are homeless. you must be a druggie, or an Alcoholic or a mentally unstable person and in many cases the homeless are like that but then there are those who just hit a bad patch of road. The so called shelters or human services departments are staffed with people hating what they do. Each person you meet is more surly than the last from the security guard to the receptionist to the case workers. Each see you as invading their fiefdom. They yell at you for the most minor infraction, no matter what it was.

Then it comes down that each entity expects the same from you. To fill out forms, get a case worker with their organization before they accept you into whatever programs they offer AND you must participate in more than what you need. IE if you just need a place to sleep, you will have to enroll in some other instruction.

On August 23rd

On August 23rd I woke up and sat in my car for a while watching clean up. One person was collecting aluminum out of trash. The second person was picking up trash from the ground with a stick. As I watched I wondered if I could do what they were doing to survive. Seemed to be a way to exist and not live. What is the motivation to earn pennies just to exist in a single room where your neighbors act like fools. Would my choice be to die rather than to labor for existence. As I watched them, I saw the lake behind them and wondered how sound my thought of swimming into the lake til I drown was. Earlier in the summer when it was hot, I did walk in the water thinking it was to cold then. What is plan B? What other way should I go? Maybe just fall asleep on a freezing night to never awake. Ive kinna grown accustomed to my situation of where I sleep and where I spend my days. At times boring but dealing with it. Today is worse that others have been because I don't have any plans. Usually I have plans of what needs to be done or what I plan on doing. Most days my plans are enough but today they are not. Considering what to do with my things. When and how do I start giving things away or do I just let some strangers carry them away.

Forgot to post on the 12 of August

The way my luck has been going, I should have expected this. Almost got hit by a police car. Around 6:30pm, I'm standing on corner up on the curb, waiting for the light to change so I can cross the street, when all traffic stops because they hear sirens. 2 police cars come up behind a car that was turning left. Instead of just staying put (he did stop), he decides to finish his turn at the same time, the police cars were on him. One car swerves to avoid hitting him and starts to head straight at me. Fortunately he was able to stop because if he didn't he would have hit me. I was like a dear in headlights, I did try to avoid but slowly and I stepped behind a light pole. Ya as if that was gonna help. He would have hit the pole and then the pole would have crushed me or cracked my head open.

Friday the 20th

Ya I know not to creative of a title to name it after today's date but cant think of anything more interesting to call it. Today so far the day has gone better than most. Got DHS paperwork filled out by Dr. Scott. Will drop it off Monday. JoAndre emailed me and I might get to visit with him Wednesday. Saw Marie last Wednesday and told her I was homeless but no offer of help. She did buy me dinner. Asked her not to tell anyone about me being homeless, don't need their pity is what I said. Found out that Gina complained that I didn't help enough with Tony during our trips. Heck whenever I tried, she would shove me away AND she took me on three trips. Marie said, what did I expect? As if someone would pay for a trip and not expect something for it. Honestly I that's what I thought. Company but not a nursemaid. Guess I was wrong. Then Marie also agreed with Niki in that she would have done the same thing, not call to let me know she made other plans. Seems that, whenever I explain a situation, women always see the other side of the story and take the opposite position of what I do. Is the women mind and my mind so out of sync.